Coming from a person that struggles with an addictive personality, I know how all-consuming it can be to be constantly chasing that next high. Sometimes that high can be in the form of a new romance emotionally or sexually, an exciting adventure, that fourth cup of coffee in the day, greater fame, more money and of course addictive substances such as drugs or alcohol.
So what do I mean when I ask, “Who’s controlling your life, you or your desires?”.
Well, when your desires have taken the wheel in your life things tend to become more compulsive. Your inner voice may be telling you things like, “I have to find somebody to love. I’m feeling lonely.” or “I have to write the next big blog post so that my work can gain recognition.”There’s a sense of impending doom if thing’s don’t go a certain way.
When a desire takes control of your life you’re no longer in charge, you’re a servant to what you want and it’s going to cause you to suffer if you’re unable to get a hold of it. It’s an unhealthy way of thinking and it leads to a cycle of searching for the fix, temporary gratification because the insecurity disappears for a moment and then the cycle repeats itself.
Healthy desires, on the other hand, leave you in control and can be about the same exact things but the change occurs in the language that is used inside. When speaking about romance, if I were to say to myself, “My life is okay as it is, but it might be better if I had someone to share it with. I’m going to keep myself open to the possibility of finding someone new.”, then this is perfectly healthy thinking.
Often times what determines whether a desire is healthy or unhealthy is the “Why?” behind it. If the desire is being driven by insecurity, anxiety, desperation or compulsion then that desire has become unhealthy and it may be time to take a step back to re-evaluate that desire. An alcoholic drinks because he needs to drink to feel good. A sex addicts needs to have sex to feel fulfilled. An egotistical person needs to be recognized and admired.
Why is this desire so powerful that it is making you unhappy in the present moment if it can’t be gratified?
I’m a firm believer that the only thing in life really worth pursuing is happiness, and not just the happiness that comes with being temporarily gratified, but the kind of happiness that sticks around. Chasing temporary happiness usually isn’t going to get you there even though it can feel good for a moment.
To find permanent happiness in life one is often going to have to dig a little deeper. If a compulsive desire has revealed itself as an insecurity to you, then addressing the insecurity should take priority over feeding into that insecure desire. The cycle needs to be broken!
If you’ve been looking for a partner, because alone you feel that you’re not good enough or unable to find happiness, then a relationship is only going to help you to feel happy temporarily. The truth is that you would be placing a huge burden on to your next partner and the relationship will likely end in an inevitable collapse. It also may mean that you will lower your expectations in order to find somebody and in doing so, end up with a person who really isn’t what you wanted anyways. Perhaps that would take you a few months or years to figure out, but it would only hurt you and your partner in time.
The trick in that circumstance, would be to try to find other ways of fulfilling yourself so that you can gain confidence in who you are, to minimize that need for someone else and to find happiness on your own through friends or hobbies. This way, when you do return to the dating game, you can go in to it with a healthier attitude of wanting while maintaining the control over that desire by not needing.
If you are addicted alcohol or hard drugs, the idea is similar. There is something inside compelling you in that direction. If you know something is not good for you but you feel a need for it anyways, then it’s not only important to break the dependency but to seek help in addressing those deeper insecurities and traumas that are leading you towards self-destruction.
Everyone has a history of insecurities which we’ve gathered from our childhoods and past experiences, but as mature and intelligent adults we have the power to challenge those insecurities when we are able to recognize them. Our insecurities are a part of us, but they do not define us! You just need to believe that you can change and that you deserve better in your life than chasing temporary happiness!
I could go on and on, but then this post will turn into a novel. Never be afraid to share your struggles with others, you may discover that you’re far less alone than you had ever imagined. Never be afraid to ask for help or support and please try to make yourself available to those who need it as well. We’re all in this together, locked in a fierce duel with demons of our own.
My name is Mathew and I write for Blog of the Wolf Boy @ www.wildandfreeliving.net
I write about a whole variety of subjects, including physical and mental wellness, creative writing,
personal issues, travel and much more! I would love to have you join me on this journey, and I’m so
grateful for you taking the time to read my post. Thank you! 🙂
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